When I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw. I saw an empty shell, a miserable, heartless, fragile excuse for a woman.
It had been 8 years of drifting further and further away from myself, and now, all I could do was cry when I thought about it.
I was angry and resentful at God, at everyone and everything in the world, and most of all at myself. How could I have let myself become this?
- I felt like the evil stepmother to my fiance’s kids.
- I wasn’t allowing myself to enjoy the time I spent with my own kids.
- Everything felt like an intrusion, a frustration, another obstacle to get in the way of my personal growth and happiness.
What I wasn’t seeing is that is all happened for my personal growth and happiness. I couldn’t see it in the lost state I was in.
When I Was at My Best
When I was at my best, I was living on my own with my son half the week (he was at his dad’s for the other half). I had quality time with him but I also had time to do the things that expressed my soul.
I filled my time on my own with creative projects, spiritual practices, and business ventures. I read books (sometimes for the entire day), I exercised, I made healthy food, and I kept my house super clean like I like it (I’m a bit OCD to say the least).
When my son was with me, I enjoyed every second of it. We worked on creative projects together. We went to parks and had picnics on the weekends. We spent so much quality time together.
I had it good. Really good.
When I Began to Drift
Then, my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. But it wasn’t just him. That also meant that his 3 boys were moving in too.
That’s when my quiet, creative, spiritual time went out the window and was replaced by what felt like chaos, constant struggles, and dirt and clutter everywhere.
The OCD in me went ballistic and my need for quiet, peaceful time was resentful. Our different parenting styles came into the mix, putting strain on my relationship with my boyfriend, and I felt constantly overstimulated and ready to blow.
Fast forward several years and I was still trying to navigate the complicated, crazy life I had created for myself, and I was failing miserably.
I didn’t have a good relationship with my boyfriend’s kids, I had a strained relationship with my boyfriend (who was now my fiance), and I had an even worse relationship with myself because I hated the miserable person I had become.
When Things Got Even Harder
As I approached 40, we threw another wrench in the situation when we decided to have a baby together. I had always wanted another child and I was running out of time, so yeah at the worst of it all, we did that. Kinda crazy, I know.
While my pregnancy with my first son was easy and enjoyable, this one was a whole different story. I had a bad case of anemia and was completely drained all the time to the point that I dreaded even taking a shower.
Handling the craziness of my life from that state just made it that much worse. I had no tolerance for anything, and with my hormones raging, I couldn’t even see clearly.
Once Ashton was born (yup, now we had 5 boys), he had colic, which was soooo difficult. As he grew into a toddler, it was clear that he was going to be a handful. He’s adorable as all get out but he’s just very draining because he’s consuming. He wanted me with him at all times, and I couldn’t be working or cleaning while with him – I had to just be playing with him. And that meant that I was constantly stressed out because I could never get anything done.
But what made that really hard was the fact that I worked from home and I had Ashton full time (aside from the blissful mornings when my mom would help). I needed to be able to get work done throughout the day and he made it almost impossible, especially since he stopped napping when he turned 2. If he did nap, he’d be up till 11:00, leaving me no down time before going to bed.
I constantly felt either stressed because I wasn’t getting anything done or guilty because I wasn’t spending quality time with him. And he was really good at laying on the guilt trips and bugging me incessantly if I was trying to get anything done.
I was still also dealing with the difficulties of a blended family and the fact that my house was always a mess. Everything with the kids felt like a constant battle and I was so stressed, I couldn’t even function.
When Financial Strain Came Into the Picture
But then, I lost my job. And since I was the breadwinner in our family, it took a major toll on us. Feeding five growing boys and buying diapers really adds up and we were barely making enough to pay for that let alone all the other bills we had.
At that point, I was already saying no to life because I felt I never had time to do fun things, and now I was walking around saying “we can’t afford that” and stressing about money.
We struggled for years and the outlook just kept getting bleaker and bleaker as I maxed out credit card after credit card until we had none left to turn to (and I was never that person who carried balances on my credit cards, so it made me feel even more like a failure).
I Hated Myself
Through all of this, I came to completely hate myself because I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I wasn’t doing any of the things that made me feel like myself and fed my soul like reading, journaling, spirituality, and creativity. And I didn’t like the person I had become at all.
The thing that bothered me the most was that I was mean and I didn’t have any compassion for anyone. I didn’t want to be that way but I just couldn’t seem to locate any compassion inside of myself.
I said no to everything, which is probably the opposite of what a lot of mom’s do who end up saying yes to everything and wearing themselves thin that way. But for me, I was so drained that I couldn’t even think of doing another thing, and that included fun things like spending time with friends or taking a day trip with my family.
Everything felt like a chore on top of what I already had to deal with and saying no was just easier. But it also meant I wasn’t really living.
I was always a very spiritual person and before this all happened, I was heading up a very spiritual path, but as I went deeper and deeper into my dark period, I lost all sight of my spiritual connection. I longed for it but it felt completely impossible to recapture.
I certainly couldn’t sit still and clear my mind to meditate and I didn’t feel like I had even five minutes to dedicate to anything spiritual. I felt like it was never going to happen and that devastated me.
When it All Turned Around
That’s when I finally decided enough was enough. I was tired of playing the victim and acting like I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be because of the way my life was.
I was done with feeling like I had no control of my life. I was done being miserable. And I was done hating myself.
I knew I had to do something to shift the path of my life. I had to stop making excuses and stop letting my hectic life consume me. I was craving spirituality so much and I was done feeling resentful that I couldn’t have it.
That’s when I decided to get up at 5:00 in the morning so that I could have an hour each day before anyone else gets up to meditate, read, and journal. And that was the moment when everything in my life started to transform.
In a matter of just 2 months, here’s what happened…
- I completely turned my financial situation around. Not only was I attracting clients so much that I regained the income I used to make in my full time job but this time, I was working part time in my freelance writing business.
- I wiped out $30,000 of debt easily and effortlessly, while at the same time being able to purchase a new truck for my fiance in cash.
- I gained one to two hours a day of time that I could dedicate to my spirituality.
- I changed the energy in our house and we started getting projects done that I thought would have taken another decade or longer.
- And most of all, I found myself again.
- I rediscovered my purpose, and ideas started flowing to me for how to achieve it. Not only that, but I felt so good that I was able to act on those ideas and know that they were possible for me.
- I no longer felt alone, but instead I was spiritually guided along every step of the way.
To sum it up, literally everything shifted in my life, and it wasn’t a miracle that made it happen. It was simple steps that I took and that anyone can take.
Now, I feel happy and inspired, I am attracting clients and money-making opportunities to myself like crazy, all of our credit card debt is gone, and I am in touch with my inner spirit more than ever before, which empowers me and helps me to be a more peaceful, loving, and successful person.
And I even get to help other women do the same! You can get started by downloading my free e-book below.